I am going to go out there and say, I don’t truly have any resolutions.
The reason for this is because it puts too much pressure on me. I don’t just say ‘this year I am going to do xyz’ because you know it won’t happen.
What I have learned I need to say is, today. Today I will accomplish 1 goal even if that goal is simply to get out of bed.
I have set a goal for myself that each day I write something inspiring or empowering in this blog. I find it helps quiet the 14 voices in my head once I’ve jotted down my thoughts. There is a lot less competition for space inside my head since I’ve started.
My next goal, which I actually set almost 4 months ago, is Jiu Jitsu.
Not because I have any crazy idea of earning belt levels but because it helped me achieve the first goal I set for myself the first day in self-defense class. That day my goal was to make it through the front door. Mission accomplished!
My goals for every new trigger I hit are always….just make it through the door, then get my Gi on, then make it to the mat. Most of these goals are not always obtainable. My anxieties at times win but I can proudly say that making it through the door has had a 99% rate of return. The people at Pura Atos provide that environment for me. They have created a safe haven for women like myself to return time and time again.
First time attending Open Mat especially did that for me this week. If it isn’t intimidating enough to walk into a room full of men, try doing that as a white belt (male or female) when the rest of them are all blue belt and above. You know they could crush you in an instant.
Instead, they smiled at me as I hovered low in my safe corner while I watched them roll. I was proud of myself that I could actually see moves I recognized – even though I can never remember what they are called.
Griffin was awesome teaching me a new arm bar and a triangle lock – though it was kind of amusing that the length of my leg was the length of his arm and I was supposed to grab him in a leg lock. Talk about my flailing arms and legs everywhere, at least my pedicure looked good – and yes, I remembered to shave this time, now if I can only remember to stop pointing my toes and keeping my feet flat! (Thank you Griffin, I wish you and your wife all the best during the delivery of your new baby soon)
Poor Brad – I turned him down twice – sorry about that, don’t take it personal. I’ve just been watching you all and I know I am not capable of giving you a challenging roll – yet. You’d have to stop and teach me and that’s not right either, nor do I expect it.
Anthony taught me about taping and why guys do it.
As for the rest of the guys that offered to roll with me, thank you for making me feel like I belong and respecting my fear of even just being in the room.
As I sat in the corner of the room, using the walls as a safety net, I noticed that I felt a sense of calm and oneness with my Gi. Like a comforting blankie..that was a new feeling. (I wonder if I can put a small cancer ribbon patch on my Gi -in memory of my mom? I’ll have to ask if that is allowed)
Thank you kind gentlemen of Atos, for allowing me the freedom to push outside my personal limits at my own pace. I truly appreciate that.
Oh! I forgot to mention sweet Melina, who at 15 years old green belt, is a true inspiration for young females. I dare anyone to try something on her that she doesn’t like – they won’t ever do it again. She let me practice my Pull Guard and let me throw her around a bit.
Plus Coach Joel, thank you for teaching me how to escape that wretched closed guard I hate so much and making me work for it. That was a lot of fun.
So I guess I do have a resolution after all….
I am going to continue pushing my comfort zone limits, one baby step at a time.